Pain filling my all,
consuming my soul.
Tears burning my eyes
and staining my cheeks.
Love slipping away,
I watch it go.
Engulfed by despair,
my heart is aching.
Life changing,
spinning out of control.
Will you save me?
Will you catch me as I fall?
Lost and alone,
lonely and hurting.
Not knowing, not trusting,
feeling too much and too little.
Weak and exhausted, 
what do I do?

Granted all that has happened
I still feel the same for you.
Even though you’ve not met me half way,
All the while I chose to stay.
Granted all that has happened
You’ve taken me for granted but
I’ve always wanted you to be mine forever.
How much longer can I stand it?
Granted all that has happened
You still remain my world.
My dreams at night, my everything.
My one and only girl.
Granted all that has happened
I love you and I’ll never stop.
My mind will never let you go
Because you’re my every single thought.
Granted all that has happened
In between you and I
You’re my air and water,
You’re my sun and skies.
Granted all that has happened
Falling in love and falling down
Has taught me things I never knew.
I’ve seen my future and it’s you.
Granted all that has happened
You provide my world with balance.
You help me know just where to turn.
You help me to be a better girl.
Granted all that has happened
We've been going through so much
in our lives lately
That it seems as if
We meet ourselves coming and going. 

So maybe it's time to
Introduce myself all over again...
I'm the one who loves you more
Than anything else in the world.
I'm the one who despite Distractions,
interruptions and frustrations
Thinks about you every chance I get.
I'm the one who,
in the middle Of juggling
a million things at once,
Always remembers that you
Give me the strength to get through.
So even though at times
We may seem like two ships Passing in the sea,
Don't ever forget that our love
Is at the core of everything.





To "the one"
You know who you are.
Together we are forever we shall be.
Please... let me know...
Am I holding on to something or nothing?
I will ALWAYS love you.

I never posted my pictures from the Sadies at Homecoming.
Definitely wasn't the best night of my life. 
But it's been a while since I've updated. So I thought.. What
Better than pictures.
Also.. Just a little updating because I know you're just DYING to
here about my life. lol. just kidding.

So yeah. Lynda and I. I don't want to discuss that bit.
It's way too painful for me.
Besides... I don't even understand it.
So I guess... whatever happens happens.
"Everything happens for a reason."
"What's meant to be will be."
"In time this, too, will pass."
Some words of wisdom that people have brought to me.
I'm just so heartbroken. Hurt. Confused.
And as bad as it is, I still forgive her. I still need her.
I miss her terribly. I just want things to be the way they were.
When we were known as "the cutest couple ever. the two
that were perfect for each other. the two that were meant to be."
Where did all that go?
And I know that down the line... She'll know she needs me too.
Why do I wait? Why do I sit and wait for her?
I've fallen too deep into her. I just want to be with her.
I'm in love. is that so crazy of me?
so many people say I'm better off. I should let go.
But... nobody knows. It's not that easy. and it's not an option for me.
This relationship was a promise. a forever thing.
I'm not ready to give up yet.

My mom and I are doing great. That's a good thing.
Me and Gayle are so close now... but she's leaving my dad.
Shocker? not really. I'm glad she gave me her number though..
so we can still stay in touch. She's leaving dad for a woman! HAHA.
I love it. I'll miss her though.
My dad and I are okay.

The play is alright. I got an extra solo part in a song aside from my role!
That was pretty cool. So I get to sing with my REAL voice instead of my
scary one for my real character. hah.

I chopped all my hair off. like seriously. Its just to the top of my neck. 
and I dyed it black and blonde. I freakin love it. I'm happy I did it.
I chopped at least 7-8 inches off. BAHHH crazy.

Kate. She's really one of the most special people I've ever met in my life.
I've never met someone with such a kind heart for others. 
She's so understanding.
We had a long talk the other day which went well, I thought.
She's just handled my whole situation in a way a lot of people wouldn't.
She's really mature. It interests me. I just want to thank her.
(because I know you'll read this miss kate. lol.)

So yeah. Other than that.. i need to get going because i also have
become friends with this girl Krystal. She's basically amazing.
She's coming over later. She thought it was crazy that I had never seen
The Rocky Horror Picture Show... so we are watching it together today
and eating some dinner. There's something about her...
She reminds me of... well... nevermind... i can't get into that..
But if you're all smart... maybe you'll figure it out.
Something about her gives me the feeling i used to get from someone esle.
I don't know. but it's strange. not in a bad way. I'm not complaining.
It's a feeling I've missed.

So yes, I need to get cleaning. Hope you enjoy my pictures!
LATERz.

Why does life have to be like this?
Why do the people that I care about
say and do things that kill me inside?
Why do I need to wake up in the
morning just for someone 
to make me cry?
Why do things have to hurt so much?
I just don't understand. <|3

>> How could you? <<

Gay and Lesbian Inequality

I have a question...
Why is it that in our society people seem more comfortable seeing two men holding guns compared to two men holding hands? Just think about that.
I am here to vouch not only for the rights of the gay community, but also for the rights of myself. As most of you know, I as some would say, “came out of the closet” our sophomore year. I am only one out of as many as 7.2 million Americans under the age of twenty that come out as gay or lesbian.
There are concerns over the suicide risk for gay youth. Gay and lesbian youths account for 1/3 of all youth suicides. Why doesn’t our society see that in this generation the homosexual population is growing? Statistics state that as of 2004, there are thirteen Americans from the ages of fifteen to twenty four in the gay community that commit suicide every single day. Suicide is also the leading cause of death among gay youth. If this continues the death rate in teens will continue to rise. This is, by no means, acceptable. Like I said, gay youths in out generation account for 1/3 of all youth suicides in what is seen as a “heterosexual” world.
Discrimination is a terrible thing. In 1992, 1,898 anti-gay and anti-lesbian violence incidents were reported. These incidents have increased 172% from 1988 to 1992.
I have another question for you to think about…
If you don’t think the gay community is discriminated against, then why is it that when men and women are together they still have more legal rights than when a woman is with a woman or a man is with a man? Some rights opposed to the homosexual community include rights to social equality, marriage, adoption, and freedom from discrimination of sexual behavior, sexual orientation, and sexual identity.
The 2004 presidential election when George W. Bush was elected president, he supported banning same sex marriages through the Federal Marriage Amendment. This amendment states that marriage should only be between a man and a woman. This caused major issues though as of right now, Massachusetts recognizes same sex marriages, Connecticut and Vermont are starting to offer equal rights through civil unions, and California, Maine, New Jersey, and The District of Columbia are acquiring some rights to those same sex couples that are living together. This is a start, but there are only nineteen states that in some way recognize same sex relations, whereas forty three states have laws stating that marriage and relations still are only to be between a man and a woman.
Some that are against same sex relations state that lesbian and gay people are more apt to have mental disorders, like depression, than straight people. Therefore they say that same sex couples aren’t suitable to adopt. To argue that statement in favor of same sex adoption rights, statistics say that over ¼ of men and 1/3 of women regardless of sexual orientation have mental illnesses that could clearly disqualify them from parenting. A finger should not be pointed at homosexual couples. There are both homosexual and heterosexual couples with and without mental illnesses that are both capable and incapable of raising children. It shouldn’t be based upon sexual orientation but on the people themselves. The American Psychological Association supports adoption by same sex couples in its policy statement of July 28th and 30th, 2004.
Also, they have a false claim that if a child grows up in a same sex household, that child will then be confused about his or her own sexual identity. Statistics prove that children raised by lesbian mothers or gay fathers, for the most part, grow with what society considers a “normal” sex stereotype.
Now, I’ve thrown out to you some extreme issues that I myself have to battle with now and will have to battle in my future if things don’t change.
I have one last question that I want you to think about. 
This is a rhetorical question, but I don’t want you to shove it in the far corners of your mind like next period’s homework you forgot to do. Really, think about this…
Do you think this inequality is fair?
I know I said rhetorical, but I’ve decided that I’m stating my thoughts anyway… because… I want to.
I think this whole inequality thing is BULL!




This is a speech I wrote 
for my Public Speaking Class.
Give me your opinion? <3 thanks.

So today was alright.

I'm not in the best of spirits though.

Things that i REALLY shouldn't let get to me, i do.

Why? Why do i do that to myself?

Who knows.

I dwell on things too much.

It shouldn't even matter anymore.

i just want to slap myself and say 

"ALLEY!!!
GET OVER IT!!"

But as the story goes, It's easier said than done.

I just really don't know anymore.
It went from off the charts to bottoming out in a few days.
How does that happen?

Well on the bright side, I get to see Kate tomorrow, which is pretty amazing.
Can't wait to be with her in front of that Orange juice Simpson girl. HAHA <3
I think only Kate will understand. *smirk*

AND I hung out with my Gilly today for a little while after school.
I miss that chica lots and lots. I don't see her enough.
We've been best friends since we were teeny tiny and I barely see
her now. sheesh. So it was good to chill with her.

Well. Now it's time for TOO MUCH homework and dinner.

Later.

So yeah. I'm back to vent... or more so flip out, again..

As said in my previous entry, I called this "certain someone."
Yeah the one that had to "let me go" 

She says "I'll call you back in an hour", and then doesn't.

So i decided to call her back after it had been over an hour
and she didn't answer. i was like okayy.. i know she's there.
so i decided to be a bitch and press redial over and over to
annoy her until she picked up.
So i called 2 times, then on my 3rd time, she picks up and says
absolutely NOTHING. so i started saying "HELLOOOO" and pushing
numbers and i hear her in the background fucking talking to her
ex girlfriend that was STILL at her house saying
"See she's called 3 times in a row, and i know she'll call back."
like i couldn't fucking hear her!?
and then she hangs up so i call back and she doesnt pick up again..
so i leave her a nasty message and keep calling to annoy her to no end.
And she does it again, she picks up the phone and says NOTHING.
All I hear is her TV.
Then she hangs up. So I call her at least 15-20 more times because
I'm home sick and have nothing better to do and then she FINALLY picks
up and I flipped out.

I was like WHAT THE FUCK WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!?
and she decides to play dumb like "what are you talking about?"
and actually states those words as if she really doesn't know.

And Stacy is STILL fucking there.
And i yell about what i heard and her not picking up my calls and
hanging up on me and she says...
"I was gonna call you back, I didn't have time to talk, I needed to get
ready for my therapist appointment."

WHAT?! 
like really...
WHAT!?

You didn't have time for me but you had time to chill with stacy and
fucking joke about me and had time to pick up when i called but not
say anything?? WHAT?!

If not having time was ANY excuse at all you could at LEAST pick up and
say i really can't talk right now can i call you later i have things to do.
Then i would gladly let you go get ready and do what you had to do.

But no. Then it's like she was getting upset that I was upset.
and kept saying "i'm sorry" after i told her to stop saying it.
and saying "i feel like an asshole." well i'm sorry but you should.
You made me feel like total SHIT. Like... i'm not worth your time anymore?
And your ex-girlfriend is taking over. you're with her EVERY DAY.
And so i make a comment about how she apparently doesn't always wanna
talk to me cuz she doesn't answer my calls and if she does, she says nothing
and SHE got mad and told me to stop saying things like that
but i mean i was upset and i needed her to know that. she really hurt me.

What's happening to who everyone used to say was the "ideal couple" and
"the couple that has what everyone wants" and "the so cute its sickening couple."??

What's happening? wrong question.. more like...
what has happened already?

So basically.
I'm never eating school lunch again.
I felt FINE.
Then we have this nasty bagel with egg and melted cheese.
The egg and cheese was rubber
and the bagel was greasy and hard.
But I was starving. I hadn't eaten since lunch yesterday.
So I ate it.
Tell me not, a half an hour later I was puking in the nurses office.
So I came home. And here I sit warning you that our new
cafateria system SUCKS.
AND the food does too.
I got like, bacteria infected food or something floating in me.

Sheesh.

So I'm not a happy camper right now.

As well as the fact that, i call a certain someone that I
haven't talked to in what seems like forever...
She picks up and gets all confused cause i should be in
school. and she's gotta "let me go" because
fucking sTaCyYyYy is over.
Fucking grrrrrrrrrr.!!!!!! GAH.

Now I know the No doubt song says  ::
"Don't talk about ex-girlfriends, 
don't talk about you without me, 
don't talk about the past.
It's in my head, it's only in my head."

But it's hard to say it's only in my head when you're not just TALKING about
ex-girlfriends or the past... you're WITH your ex-girlfriends
which are your PAST like every freaking day. GAHHHH!!!!
i can't fucking take it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
but little stupid me that doesn't like to speak her mind doesn't say
a god damn thing. and i just sit there and say "okay".
But whatever. I'll just keep my silence as always so i don't start
a pointless argument that gets me nowhere anyways.
I'll pretend it doesn't bother me. 

OK, all i had to do was vent about school food and stupid ex girlfriends.
Thanks for those of you who read.
Laters.

So there was this time that me and kate hung out.

We were supposed to get coffee... but fucking jews. i mean..
fucking juice. <3

So it was a jewish holiday so this coffee place was closed.

So we went to the Corner Grill or whatever it's called.

She got some vanilla cream soda and she got me a pomagranite 
soda thingy and it was freakin SO good. <3

So we wanted to sit outside like the cool kids... and it started to rain.
But we stayed outside. Then it rained harder. and it was really wet.

So we go back into the place and sit at a booth and the guy sitting behind
our booth with his girl was like "don't mind my ass in your face." LMAO.
Then while me and Kate were conversing...he kept trying to offer us pizza.
kate was like I DONT WANT PIZZA FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!! hahahaha.
not to his face. but it was still funny.

It stopped raining, so we went back to our original spot outside.
basically had a rain water fight which was pretty sweet.
Then we played with the caps to our drinks for like an hour.
We talked a lot a lot a lot. it was really good to be open with 
someone about myself and not feel judged or ashamed.
It was one of the best in depth conversations I've had in a while.

So then we walked back to her house cause Alley had to tinkle...
like always. and we were going to get the car.

We headed out to go to a park near her house... but it was infested
with the fucking jews...i mean fucking juice... and some sketchy
guys. so we decided not to go there, and went to Green Hill Park instead.

So why we didnt bring a blanket or sweatshirts, i don't know.
but it was fucking COLD! hahaha.

And basically it was amazing. AND we saw a shooting star...
that i thought was a plane, but it wasn't. and i got really OVER excited.
haha. I shared some of my poetry with her as well.
But it was freezing so we went back to the car... which was parked by
this...as kate put it "gross path" because it was sketchy haha.

Then I had her listen to my lesbian rocker chick music.
and she liked it. which was sweet.

And kate. she's WAYGAY better than "OMGshoes" hahaha.

So yeah it was a pretty amazing day all together.

And now I'm really sleepy because Kate ALSO kept me up talking
until three fucking o'clock last night. hahaha. but it's all good haha.

So I'm going to sleep with a smile.

Goodnight.

So An update on my life.

It seems like its a week going on a million since I've seen her face.

I miss her being next to me.

People have been really immature, writing crued and disrespectful comments.
and causing problems for no reason at all. Lying about things.
I'm Done letting it get to me. 
I need to realize that some people just try and get under your skin.
It's not worth it to pay it any attention because I know the truth
and so does she. and... it's that's all that matters.

So on that note, I've matured over the situation.

I got an email from a close family member of hers.
It scares me.
I'm telling you... it's a twisted version of Romeo and Juliet...
Except this story will have a HAPPY ending. 

((a real love survives 
a ROCK STEADY vibe))

Basically that's me and her in a nutshell <3

So DSS wants me in this stupid SOS program for substance abuse.
It's WAY too intense. I'd need to get searched everytime i went
for the 1st 2 weeks.

Drug tests. 20 days everyday. Um. sorry but I have a life?
Yeah thanks.

Okay so on a better note,
I got a 100 on my 1st geom. test of the year...my 2nd year. ick.
I should be TEACHING this class by now.
I'm trying really hard this year to rub that shit in my 'rent's faces.
I want them to know that I can succeed and be in love. <3

Another better note...
I tried out for the senior class musical..
We are doing Fiddler on the Roof.
AND...I GOT FRUMA-SARAH!
werd.<3
I'm a ghost that haunts a dream.<3
I miss theater a lot so I'm really excited.

In my public speaking class, I'm doing a speech on gay rights.
I get to give it tomorrow... nervous and excited. 

Uh, Me and gayle have gotten REALLY close lately.
I've been spending a lot of time with her.

My dad i think has stopped taking his meds because he has been super
uptight lately and he's been...well an asshole.
and he always takes it out on her.
She doesn't deserve that.

She's taking me out to get my nails done tomorrow..
and my hair. <3
I'm excited.

I wish i could do that kind of stuff with my mom... but..
hey... i'm glad i have SOMEONE to do it with period.

So did I mention I really miss my girlfriend.

My mom's boyfriend just got here... so I think I'm gonna go CALL my girlfriend..
cuz I miss her beautiful voice... so uhh.. 
Laterz.